2019 Match Reports

Waverley CC 19th May 2019 Home - LOST

And so Sunday rolled around again, as it has done, since .. well .. forever. Trains were caught, cars were driven and Vags arrived one after the other at The Sun Inn for a tipple before a home match vs. Waverley CC. Stuart Davidson remarked that he had seen weather reports stating that there was a 40% chance of rain. Thankfully however, the sun shone, giving this Translucent Man hope of a pinkish hue.

Per custom, the captains walked out to inspect the pitch and toss, with Boote winning and us, in turn, fielding. Vags began bowling with Mr. W Perton and Mr. J Anderson at either end. Both charged in time and again in sweltering heat, searching for the breakthrough. With the visitors’ score approaching 50 without loss, Perts stormed in, pitched it up and forced Kiwi batsman Bortosh-Short into a rare mistake. The ball clipped to fellow opening bowler, J. Anderson, who didn’t have to move. Unfortunately, Jack had not disclosed that he was paying homage to the UK Thalidomide Scandal, and so the ball and man dropped to the ground and was met with a sharp intake of breath. As is the Vags way, a rousing “next one Jacky boy” went up, with Waller-Davies and Davidson replacing the opening bowlers a couple of overs later.

Whilst Davidson’s guile and skill caused Waverley some issues, Adam ‘Rik’ Sandy Lyle Translucent Man Waller-Davies (this has really got quite silly now) and his flailing medium pace did not, bringing Luke Harding into the action. Bortosh-Short continued to hit past his half century, before being expertly caught – this time – on the boundary, off L. Harding’s bowling. The Vags smelt blood and Davidson and Harding went about their business, slowing the run rate and picking up wickets, bringing the Pink ’n’ Reds back into proceedings.

Special fielding mentions go to:

James ‘Chair’ Harding who did well to restrict the number of extras conceded by Vags CC.
William Perton and Richard Boote, whose cigarette smoking antics at mid-wicket and first slip respectively, confounded various batsmen and even bamboozled the umpire at one point.. Waverley’s 218 a “good score but perhaps not impossible to catch” the general sentiment amongst the Vags.

T. Bortosh-Short 69

J. Harris 37

A. Day 36

W. Perton 9-1-33-0

J. Anderson 3-0-17-0

R. Waller 3-0-32-0

S. Davidson 9-0-55-2

L. Harding 9-1-47-3

R. Boote 3-0-16-1

Subjects discussed during tea:

  1. Weather
  2. Saman’s first name
  3. Kunta Kinte
  4. Jack’s admiration of Tanni Grey-Thompson
  5. How David Willey may be the unluckiest man in the world
  6. Vags Tour 2019

And so James ‘Chair’ Harding and Tris Bundy-Hutchins strode out to the middle to take guard, and bat with Mr. T Edwards and Mr. J Anderson to umpire, in knee length white coats. Stui dutifully attempted to begin scoring, but initially struggled due to the lack of trousers on Mr. J Anderson. “I cannae do much with this umpiring porn in front of me like” was the growl. Remarks of “Christ, stop being so damn sexy, Jack man” fell on deaf ears, as J. Anderson’s legs remained uncovered – aside from aforementioned skimpy umpiring attire. After all of this, Tris then decided he did not want to bat – presumably because he was jealous and missed being near gravelly-voiced Scottish scoring sensation, S. Davidson – and lobbed the ball back to the bowler for 1, allowing Skip to come to the middle.

Chair, perhaps still dreaming of tea, then served up something juicy of his own, a wayward shot, greedily snaffled on the leg side. Saman (of unknown first name) came and went, before Trev joined Skip out in the middle. Four after glorious four came from both men, the total beginning to mount as drinks were taken, and umpires relieved.. Things were picked up from where they were left, with Skip once again hitting a spectator’s car window, dispatching a bad ball. Luckily, this time it somehow bounced off.

With both men in fine form, Vags who were sat back “in the shed” started to get bored of watching people do well. Tris and Stui began a systematic Japanese-style torture regime, targeting J. Anderson. William Perton – who must have eaten raw human flesh at tea – began giggling at his own farts and Chair listened in to BBC Sport to see what was happening up at Headingley. Eventually, Skip was caught on the boundary. Skip’s (55) dismissal means he has 227 runs to his name with 1 dismissal. Those who can’t work out his average, please report to Mr Whitman for after school maths homework club this week. Trev was well bowled by the persistent P. Brewer, for 58 (top scorer for Vags on the day, well done Trev). L. Harding went for the jugular and went the same way as Skipper. Jeggs’ cameo of 12 featured some nice shots, before those who were just happy to be there came in to bat.

Jack MM Anderson, formerly of Cullercoats, North Shields, Newcastle upon Tyne mentioned that he was determined to bat well. After a dropped catch and wicketless bowling performance, he strode out with purpose .. before being clean bowled first ball. Jack marched back to begin a game of “BAH!” in the Vags changing room (^+ rules below). Vags ended up falling short of the required total, and showered before heading to The Sun Inn for roasts and beers*.

T. Edwards 58

R. Boote 55 (out, I repeat out – this is not a drill)

R. Hyndman 12

A. Rooke 9-3-32-0

S. Tempest 6-0-19-3

C. Beanland 5-1-31-0

P. Brewer 8-0-40-5

J. Harris 2-0-8-0

A. Du Gay 3-1-13-2

*Roasts and beers/pub trip momentarily halted for Mr. T Hutchins and Mr. J Anderson’s inaugural ‘Semi-Naked Post-Shower Lawn Grecko-Ginger Wrestling Championship’**

**Name under review

^+ Rules of ‘BAH!’

BAH! is a one person game.
Player must start game whilst wearing full cricket protective wear, helmet optional.
Player must shout “BAH!” whilst alone in Changing Room to begin game.
Once game has started, player must throw pads, bat, box, gloves and helmet (optional) in vague direction of cricket bag, whilst continuing to shout “BAH!” at 20 second intervals.
Game finishes when cricket bag is fully packed and player leaves changing room.
Please note: no points are awarded during this and game itself is largely meaningless.

Match report: Translucent Man (AW-D)

Newport Inn CC 12th May 2019 Away - WON

It was the first and hopefully not the last time this summer that the Vags rocked up on a Sunday for cricket, pints and self-deprecation with the sun beaming down and not a cricket jumper in sight (barring the Skipper who decided to wear three sheep worth of wool). And there wouldn’t be a better venue for cricket in the sun than that cricket pitch tucked away amongst the farmers fields near Braishfield. A good mood amongst the Vags as always, only augmented when Jeggs arrived a minute before the first ball, making a full eleven for us Neanderthals in our pink and purple. The Fiat 500 dangerously close to a short boundary rope.

Skippers went out to the middle and discussed Existentialism, Boots returning saying that we were bowling, but none of this bloody mess mattered anyway. The Vags started and continued strong in the bowling. Perts and Anderson opening proceedings and quickly realised that the pitch was ‘doing a bit’. Perts in particular found form very early on and delivered maiden over after maiden over, finally being rewarded for the fierce attack with a wicket in his fifth over. Anderson too picked up a wicket early on, a mistimed square cut from Cowling greedily caught by our honey badger in the field, FOTY T Nokes. A couple more wickets from the opening pair and the scoreboard started to look rather good. It was at this point that Principal Boote and Chief Dinner Maid Harding sternly reminded their students what had happened the week before when we had been in this position against Brigands. We nodded solemnly- no one wanted to see Jeggs discuss Anal Acrobatics VII between mouthfuls of Al’s mushroom bites again.

The first change of bowling saw Anderson replaced by Vags debutant by Charlie Preston who offered up some accurate, dangerous bowling to the Newport Inn middle order. Preston was duly awarded for his efforts, picking up 4 wickets, unfortunately one short of a jug on debut. More wickets will surely follow for Charlie over the summer. The pick of his wickets being a thick edge that ballooned up and was collected by the palms and bosom of Sammy in the slips. A low point of his spell was an extra two runs added to his stats due to the arm of Anderson, deciding that it would be far better to throw the ball directly over the wicket rather than the bowler or the wicketkeeper. Probably a dose of karma after questioning the Skipper’s ability at second slip just a ball before.

Perton was lustily relieved after a brilliant 9 overs by social media star extraordinaire, most horizontal man in cricket, Translucent Man- Rik Waller-Davies, playing a bumper weekend after helping out Bentworth CC the day before in return for sexual favours from Trev. Slick Rick produced a fantastic three overs, bowling accurately, restricting runs and getting wickets. A good return to Vags cricket for the walking plastic bag.

The students heeded the warnings of the principal and dinner maid and bowled the home team out for 69, setting minds whirring of hopefully getting a first win of the season, and a longer time in the pub afterwards. One provided a lot more motivation than the other.

Travers 22
Madson 10

Perton 9 5 15 2
Anderson 6 1 23 2
Preston 5 0 25 4
Translucent Man 3 0 5 2

With the absence of Vags’ resident serial killer, Tris Bundy, Chair was partnered by Sammy and marched out to the middle intent on reaching 70 and getting to the pub. Light opened well for Newport and made both openers feel out the first few overs from the a Newport man. Sammy, after playing a lovely stroke for a pair of runs was then caught LBW by Light, no doubt annoyed by the short time out in the middle. Big Bad Boote then marched out, waving and blowing kisses to his watching mother on his way to the middle. Really cute. Boote started as he meant to go on and slapped a four from his first ball. After an expensive couple of overs from White, Vincent stepped up, looping balls into the stratosphere before landing on to the wicket. Chair was then bowled by Vincent in the second over, Chair trying the leg sweep, missing the ball and walked off shaking his head over what he surely saw as a cheap dismissal. In walked the FOTY with the hairy BOTTY and decided to go skipping up the wicket to meet the loopy balls of Vincent, playing some bloody good shots before being stumped after an over eager skip down the wicket paired with an air shot. An over eager Nokes? Never. Jeggs managed the one run before being bowled, obviously distracted by the news of the release of Anal Acrobatic XX. In then marched the statesman, S Hyde, to heroically notch up a couple of singles to see the Vags over the line for a first win of the season.

Whilst the Vags searched for the teas (a great spread of sarnies and homemade cakes), Skip was still searching for a 2019 average- finishing each game so far with an asterisk next to his score. A good season so far for El Capitano.

Harding 26
Boote 21*
Nokes 11

Light 5 1 21 1
White 2 0 22 0
Vincent 4 1 26 2
Forty 1 0 1 1

A great day for the Vags, a good win, good teas and a good visit to the pub afterwards, which we finally arrived at after Perton became stroppy that we were sitting in the sun after a cricket game and it wasn’t a pub garden. A Vags man through and through.


Match Report: Geordie Jack

Broadhalfpenny Down CC 5th May 2019 Away - DRAWN
Sunday gone saw the Vags travel to the first headquarters of English cricket intending on orchestrating a coup d’état. The weather was, once again, moody but with the confidence that the skies were open, the Vags arrived at the terrific Bat and Bowl pub across from the pitch with the expected excitement for playing cricket and supping a pint of something.

Partly because we are consummate professionals and partly because we’d finished our pre-match pints and there was nothing else to do before the match started, we all wandered out to the middle to inspect the wicket. Very green. A glint flickered in the eye of William Perton.

BDBCC Innings

Something happened a few minutes later in the middle between Skip and BDBCC’s captain and we all got ready for a start to the match in the field. Perton and Anderson began the attack, finding some decent areas on occasion, which, thanks to the wicket, gave the batsmen some issues. Both openers struck early, Perts dispatching their two openers in his second over following a maiden first. By the ninth over, BDBCC were at 49 for 4. A decent run rate but wickets falling. This soon changed as Ainsley and Henderson dug in for the hosts, rarely going an over without finding the boundary (which on one side, went downhill quicker than a night out with Tom Nokes if he has more than 3 pints). Not even the nimble, energetic, athletic activity of Bill Clinton in the field could stop the ball from running away to the rope, despite his best efforts over 3 steps to the right or left.

Nelson, Bill and Luca’s inclusion in the bowling attack did little to stop the wave of runs which had already started rolling by the time Anderson’s spell ended. A general despair was felt across the bowling attack- three or four good balls, that seemed to stop the rot, that all delivered at some point, were then followed by a spank away to the boundary. All options to stop the run rate were explored: fielders repositioned and repositioned again; Nokes Jnr.’s (Fielder of the Year 2018- The FOTY) drink at the drinks break was laced with speed; Tris was told to look like a serial killer (achieved almost naturally) and scare the lovely women scoring both books to knock a hundred off the score. To no avail. A run out from the bowling of Nokes finally broke the partnership, Ainsley finishing with an impressive 119 off 79. Skip, obviously thinking that he’s better than the rest of us lowlifes, gave himself the ball and took a wicket in his third over of one of Henderson’s new partners; Nokes taking the wicket of another new partner. Time allotted ran out, Henderson finishing 90 not out, BDBCC setting us 257 to win. We trudged off the field thinking what could have been if that expensive partnership had not been broken early on. Perts the sole bowler who could walk off with figures that he may want to look into the book at. But enough of this gloom and doom- the end of fielding meant that the tailenders could scurry across to the Bat and Bowl and get a (un)deserved pint- RESULT!

Ainsley 119
Henderson 90*

W Perton 7 1 26 3
R Boote 5 0 24 1
T Nokes 7 0 38 1
J Anderson 6 0 47 1
P Kennely 3 0 30 0
S Hyde 3 0 31 0
L Harding 3 0 41 0

Vags Innings

With the tailenders and Skip now sipping on a pint of something nice, sitting in varying levels of padding (i.e. no padding, and Skip, fully padded to go in next) we watched Tris and Chair march to the middle knowing fine well that there were runs to be had. Once again, both started well, both finding the boundary in the first overs they faced. Both then settled in and from a vantage point of the second floor balcony of the pavilion, it was a good sight to see our openers move between the wickets… arguably with less vigour and vitesse as seen by the hosts’ batsmen. Say what you may like about Mr. Hutchins but you can’t say he lacks in consistency: consistently turns up for the Vags on Sundays; consistently has a pack of sweets bulging out of his pocket when we field; consistently uncomfortably weird; consistently talks about how much he misses “his Stuey” and his “big Loch Ness monster” (no further details); consistently gets out on 18 in the 2019 season. Tris was replaced by the Cider’d Skip. A slow start for the partnership between Skip and Chair followed, before Chair was cruelly dismissed with a ball that stayed low on a surface that was normally making the ball jump up higher than Si Allen when reaching for the nice wine glasses from the top shelf. So entered Mr. Whitman, knowing that a run rate of 143000 was needed to ensure a victory.

Batted well they did and both batsmen played some lovely strokes, to the rapturous applause of all Vags present, who now, knowing that the chances of themselves batting was long gone, had increased the frequency of their visits to the bar of the Bat and Ball. The match finished in a draw, Vags, thanks to the partnership of Skip and Slim Whitman, finishing on a very respectable 194. The story does not finish here…

A Whitman 73*
R Boote 61*
J Harding 24

N Wood 10 0 49 0
E Hands 9 1 34 1
E Lovett-Taylore 6 0 33 0

Jeggs’ Innings

A buoyant Jeggs arrived at the ground 10 or so overs into the Vags’ time in the field and started as he meant to go on, dispatching a nippy pint from S Miguel with relative ease, Jeggs Snr doing the same from the pavilion end of the table on which they sat. Jeggs found his stride early on and settled on a pretty comfortable run rate of a pint every eight or so overs for the entirety of BDBCC’s time at the crease. Following the tea break, surrounded by his fellow Pink and Purples, Jeggs’ run rate really did increase, an audacious two pint order at the bar being a particular highlight, such was Fiat 500 man’s confidence that he could hit a maximum on both the first and second glass. He did this with aplomb. A nasty blow to the head in S Miguel’s 7th over left Jeggs struggling to form coherent sentences, or coherent conversation topics (Anal Episodes VII as a topic was a first at cricket’s first headquarters), but still Jeggs soldiered on, knowing that the Bat and Bowl had confidence that Miguel had a lot more overs in him. Controversy struck as the Vags entered the Bat and Bowl post-match. Jeggs first deciding Anderson’s watch belonged in Perts’ sausage and mash gravy rather than on Anderson’s wrist, and that Al Whitman had actually ordered his mushroom bites for Jeggs rather than for himself; Al returning from outside to find a lot less than what he had bargained for. Jeggs’ Alex Hales moment luckily did not last long and he was soon in a party World Cup T20 style mood and chatted absolute rubbish, broken up with bouts of sneezes and hiccups, throughout overs 9 and 10. Miguel finally got his man at the end of the tenth, Skip dutifully escorting Jeggs from the arena and home to what was doubtless a hero’s welcome from Jeggs Snr.

Pints: 10
Maidens charmed: 0
Runs to the toilet: 2
Mushroom balls eaten: 6
Of which not his: 6

Match Report: Geordie Jack

United Oxford Hospitals CC 28 April 2019 Home - Drawn
A great anticipation filled the air at Bentworth last Sunday as Vag vehicles slowly pulled into the ground for the opening match of the 2019 season. Having probably been lured into a false sense of security over the Easter weekend, a general look of “it’s a bit nippy” was shared amongst the team as we waited for Skip to do the toss. Toss he did and given we batted first, I imagine he lost. This was met with a boyish excitement from Perts and Jeggs, as they hurriedly bundled themselves in to the car and returned 10 minutes later with all Pimms. How happy Jeggs looked, tootling along in his little red Fiat 500, he may have even had one of the windows down to feel that cool breeze brush his face…

So Chair and Tris dutifully marched out to the middle to get things under way. It was a slow but solid start to proceedings over the first few overs but both openers quickly got their eye in and started finding the gaps in the field- both playing some great looking shots that would find the boundary. Chair then really started to motor, hitting a boundary every other ball until he was beaten, the ball sending the bails flying and Humphries wheeling away in celebration given the run rate Chair was starting to notch up. Like Samson and his hair, or Stevie Hyde without Hillary, Tris seemed to lose all strength after that and was dismissed 5 minutes later. A good foundation placed nonetheless for Skip and Al Whitman (LOVE YOU AL) to start their innings. Both got into their stride early on too and the runs began racing up, much to the pleasure of the lesser batsmen; all of us getting in the zone, refilling our glasses of Pimm’s as Jeggs gleefully made another jug’s worth… the Italian red of his Fiat glinting in the sun.

Beautiful, magical Al was caught after a good half hour of shots, including one maximum, which was the cue for this chipper feel-good knees-up to turn into a Greek tragedy. A ball played short and down leg by the UOHCC bowler from the road end, beautifully pulled away towards fine leg by Skip. One bounce. Two bounce. Four. Smash. A hushed silence fell over Bentworth. A hysterical Jeggs runs towards his Fiat. The back window was no more. At this point, I would love to say we all empathised with Jeggs, instead raucous laughter filled Bentworth, Boots rather proud of his accomplishments in the middle, Stuey helpfully commenting that it was lucky the ball didn’t hit his Jag, others half-hiding the grins on their faces.

Si Allen stepped in to partner El Capitano and selflessly steadied the ship. Totting up the singles whilst the Big Bad Boot started having fun the other end. Si was eventually bowled by the dangerous left-hander Khan, finishing with a respectable 21 after a mature hour at the crease. In then stepped Luca Toni, ready to get runs in the book on the first showing. Khan struck again two balls later, a good ball that straightened up and his Lukey “plum” (Anonymous Umpire, 2019). Luke of course totally agreed with the decision and saw no reason to comment that: A) the ball had hit bat first B) it was going leg. Perts then came to play for ten minutes before starting to miss his Pimm’s and was bowled by Khan. Jeggs then entered, tears blurring his sight, hyperventilating, hands shaking and only lasted the one ball. General consensus was that a 20-ball 50 could have been in sight had it not been for FiatGate. Skip and Nokes Jnr finished up the innings, the Skip leading by example with an exemplary 90 not out. Vags setting a total of 202 for UOHCC to win.

Boots 90*
J Harding 25
S Allen 21

S Raman 5 1 12 0
N Halfhead 7 1 32 0
L Humphries 4 1 28 1
R Angrish 8 1 30 2
J Lammerton 6 0 34 1
T Chowdry 5 1 7 0
O Bagel 2 0 24 0
R Khan 5 0 19 3

A terrific tea from the Sun was demolished by both sides, as clouds came over. A cold day in the field for the Vags to come. So cold that a certain hungover Geordie ended up borrowing Al’s spare jumper. God, that jumper smelled good.

A total set and 10 wickets to get, the Vags started well. Fielder of the Year (FOTY), Nokes Jnr scampering after the ball like a honey badger with slugs above his eyes fired the ball into Chair and Simms was run out for 1 after 4 balls. A good start. Perts picked up where he left off and started strongly from the Road end, conceding just 7 runs in his first 4 overs. A deserved wicket finally came in the 6th over, getting Khan LBW, which is funny as this was just how Khan got Lukey out, isn’t it Lukey. Anderson bowled Halfhead, the other opener and here the frustration set in. Chowdry, coming in at 4 displayed some classy shots and started to dig in. The term catches win matches applied rather well in the half hour that followed. A forward defensive shot by Chowdry ballooned up for a dolly for Anderson, who then re-enacted his 3am dance moves the evening before and proceeded to flail about for a while before falling to the ground, letting the ball drop out of his hands. A hushed silence was all that Anderson needed, to know that everyone was laughing at him under their breath. A similar dolly followed for Skip out at mid-on from the bowling of Lukey, who once again, caused the batsmen issues. Skip, probably still chuckling to himself about that pull shot before, dropped the ball and Chowdry remained in the middle for the rest of the innings with a solid 65 not out. Partners for Chowdry came and went, dismissed by Al (I BLOODY LOVE YOU AL) and Lukey as well as a ruthless stumping by Chair of the 15-year-old Baigel. How Chair cackled as Baigel walked off to finish his GCSE homework. But he had skipped down the track and was well out his crease, the blame was holey Baigel’s fault…

The wickets unfortunately did not fall quick enough, the match finishing in a draw, UOHCC totalling 161. A good, amicable match as ever with plenty of their chaps joining us in the Sun afterwards, some of whom outstayed all Vags players- another sign that we have picked our opposition well.

A special mention must also go to Ruth Davidson, who was willing to play for the Vags on a Sunday before driving all the way back to Sheffield that same evening. Even though now a Man of Steel, nothing will get in between him and his Roast (an affectionate term he has for Tris, something to do with pouring gravy all over him). Mention too goes to the Vags in general, who all, following Lukey’s instigation, chipped in to help fund a replacement window for Jeggs’ back window- a great example of the Vags’ values.

Chowdry 65*
Halfhead 17
Baigel 15

W Perton 7 1 19 1
J Anderson 11 1 60 2
L Harding 8 0 36 2
S Davidson 4 1 8 0
T Nokes 3 0 12 0
Super Ally Whitman 4 1 13 1

Match Report: Geordie Jack